Algae Humour
Nobody likes them. You scrape them off the pond, curse the green slimy film on the water.
And forget, in the process: we should be on our knees thanking these ancient critters, breathing deeply. Around 2.4 billion years ago — so the day before yesterday, give or take — it wasn’t the green algae that started getting to grips with the stuff, but their blue brothers and sisters. Because back then, when the world was half as old as it is today, oxygen was something of a niche topic. The creatures on what was then a basalt-black, later reddish planet had no use whatsoever for breathing. This modern trend of communal inhaling and exhaling? No thank you very much.
And it was precisely these blue algae that began — nudged along by their ancestors, the cyanobacteria — to dabble in photosynthesis. Why? That’s hard to say, since very few eyewitnesses from that era are still around to ask.
What these little critters couldn’t have known at the time: they were responsible for the greatest destruction of life in the history of Mother Earth. They overdid the photosynthesis so excessively that the planet decided to briefly freeze over entirely. The Earth was simply a giant, round block of ice drifting through the Milky Way.
Well. That’s the theory, at any rate.
Now, algae deserve a degree of respect, all the same. They’ve survived for billions of years, and have now even managed to make their presence felt rather prominently in the media. And once again these poor green things are despised by the majority of living creatures in the year 2026.
Rather than reflecting on their past actions and setting out on the path of better algae-hood, they chose instead to keep sliming their way through life as before.
The famous reflecting pool in front of the Washington Monument has turned into a murky, green-heaving something. Not the faintest trace of reflection is to be found. Not in the pool itself, and not in the White House either.
What a tragedy.
Hold on. I don’t want to leave the story of algae sitting there quite so toxically — or rather, heaving away in the pool like that. Because the concentrated media coverage of the algae disaster has had plenty of useful side effects.
Early in the morning at seven, the world is back in order. I no longer see or hear anything about the genocide in Gaza. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening in Iran right now. The creeping fascism in certain countries? Also no longer part of my breakfast routine. How lovely it is to enjoy the day without those threatening presentations about the climate tipping point.
The day is fine. Life is entertaining. And we need give up nothing.
Hmm. Something’s missing for me in this pink Barbie world. The salt in the soup? The challenges of working toward a better world? The tiresome issues with colleagues?
I love my life. But I also love family and friends and neighbours. Because they are part of a community I have no wish to simply ignore. Or indeed could. Our human history has shown us again and again how we can organise ourselves together and, over time, turn great things for the better. Yes, that takes perseverance and patience, and a great many people with similar goals.
Ignorance has never truly made problems disappear.
Oh, and I never want to end up in the destructive history of the blue or green algae either.
The one good thing about these ancient critters? Algae humour.
That I intend to keep. Because humour is good for the soul.
